The Road: all the makings for a zombie movie, but the zombies

What a fantastic base for an amazing zombie film. It had it all, a mysterious holocaust, stunning post apocalyptic visuals, just oozing atmosphere. Some truly superb acting. Fear and despair, resulting in tragic suicide as the world as we know it comes crashing down. Roaming bands of thugs, that would kill you for what little you possess (and probably even eat you too). A story of personal strength and determination in face of the ultimate adversity.

So what one single thing could make a zombie movie with so much going for it fail and drop to the depths of being possibly the most painful two hours I have spent watching a movie in a long time? How about not a single bleedin' zombie in the whole damn movie. What happens when you take the zombies out of a zombie movie? The answer NOT A GOD DAMNED THING. Boredom and tedium. This is the movie The Road.

OK, so in all fairness The Road was never actually a zombie movie. The idea of adding zombies would likely have made the writer and the director spew pea soup from every orifice. But it would have definitely made the whole thing a lot more watchable. Even on it's own merits, the roaming bands of cannibals could have made the film a lot more tense and interesting, but it failed miserably there too. Although they were clearly looking to avoid any trappings of an action flick and keep the whole production to some higher plane of artistic film making, they just managed to make a painfully dull and unimaginative picture. Good god, it made the Blair Witch Project seem watchable. If the idea was to create such an atmosphere of dread and despair that the audience can so relate to the characters that the viewer wants to put the Smith and Wesson in their mouth just to put an end to it, well then it is a success. But this is the only scenario in which I would consider it so. And I don't say this with the air of one of the many movie critics looking to make him/herself seem worldly and emotionally complex. Telling you this film will bring you to revelations of previously unexperienced emotional and psychological distress (hey for the fun of it lets label it emo-porn), because believe me there are better soul scorchers if leaving a theater with a sick feeling is your goal(Jack Ketchum's The Girl Next Door for one). As good as the book may have been (I admit to not reading it), this is just one long, amazingly boring and plotless wrek.

I'm thinking with some creative editing from a number of existing zombie fests, this movie could really be something, but until the time comes that someone goes to that effort I would strongly recommend avoiding it like... well, the zombie plague.



G. Macabre

When Death Comes to Town

Greetings and condolences my fellow travelers. My journeys have indeed taken me from the might banks of the great Styx for a prolonged spell, but it is good to return. Here in the darkness little dramatic happens and passers by are not overly common, but that is not the case everywhere. In my recent journeys I have had the pleasure to observe comings and goings in two otherwise small communities. Insignificant as these locations are to the greater preoccupations of the living, it is somewhat ironic that the fates would choose these hamlets to play out the greatest of dramas, between good and evil, life and death.

The first of these would be the little town of Little Tall, a fictitious coastal community located just of the shore of Maine. It was this setting that legendary author, Stephen King, would base his story "Storm of the Century". In a three part television miniseries first aired in 1999, residents of Little Tall find themselves at the mercy of a great storm threatening their quiet island home.

While for many an author such a reckoning would be enough to build a story on. King himself has used storm stayed inhabitants successfully in his tales of horror before in "Misery" and the iconic "The Shining", but here it is simply background for a greater trial. Evil descends on the town in the form of a mysterious stranger by the name of Linoge who brings with him murder death and an unprecedented demand for the inhabitants. Before he will actually tell them of his demands, Linoge first chooses to torture, and literally as well as physically manipulate the residents to commit horrific murders. In a small town idle gossip is cheap and plentiful, thus one's wardrobe-skeletons are dear and well hidden. Naturally the mysterious Linoge mater-of-factly shares the towns peoples past transgressions and darkest secrets in the most public venues he can find, illustrating that innocence is lost as childhood is left behind. The implications are left obscure and presented for the most part as a vehicle for Linoge to demonstrate his supernatural omnipotence, but to an attentive and thoughtful these indiscretions make the story's eventual outcome more poignant and meaningful as King exposes this is as much a morality tale as it is a simple supernatural horror.

I myself have never been a big follower of Stephen King's novels, and even less so the eventual film treatments, but in this format really allows King's tale to be told as it should be and the viewer to digest all the nuances that studio executives tend to lack enough appreciation of the genre to see. Undoubtedly if you are a Stephen King fan, this is preaching to the choir, however if you are not familiar with this work "Storm of the Century" is a must see.



Not more than four of five hours away and a bit north from Little Tall Maine, is another fictitious community called Shuckton Ontario. Now in gaudy electric neon contrast to the events that occurred South of the border, infamous Canadian comedy troupe Kids In The Hall, tell this hamlet's tale of what happens when "Death Comes to Town". Here in series of eight half hour episodes, a Reaper is stuck on this the shittiest of routes with a job to do and a personal grudge (and a thing for chubby red-heads).

Like the townsfolk in Little Tall, the citizens of Shucton too have their secrets. Alcoholism, infidelity, lust, greed, as in Little Tall it's all there, but where other than Canadian television could one explore homosexual necrophilia and get by the network sensors.

Now I'll admit that I was hoping this little gem would have a bit more bloodshed and mayhem, but the subtle comedic jabs and the outlandish characterizations and situations that The Kids in the Hall are known for are extremely entertaining and satisfying to watch in this macabre tale of what happens when Death comes to town.





G. Macabre

Paranormal Activity: Secretariat's Ghost

It's a chilled November eve in this shadowy land, come closer to the fire friend. I'm pleased to have found this old camp of mine here on the riverbank, and am even more pleased that you have found it as well. Perhaps it was the warm flickering light with promise of hope and comfort in this cold strange land or the enticing aroma of burning wood still damp from the dew of ages, thick with the feeling of familiarity. Whatever it was that drew you here I am sorry to say that this strange land offers nothing comforting nor soothing for a wandering soul. Perhaps you will do better in the next world, or perhaps you're fortunate enough to be one of the few visitors I see here who return home to the living world with all of it's great promises and dreams (and often painful realities). Before you continue along your path whichever it may be, please stop for a visit and a cup of coffee, reheated but still good.

Hmmm there's a lot there that reminds me of a little film I just saw, Paranormal Activity . As I sat in this rather rundown theater with very few other attendees watching this offering I too was drawn in with hope and promise. I do truly love supernatural spook shows, the unseen dead possess a whole other level of ominous threat and untouchable, uncontrollable menace not found elsewhere in the genre. Century old tales of ghostly beings, that shiver that traces the length of your spine when you turn you back on a darkened cellar, the little jump and the quickening pulse when an unsuspected thump in the dark that startles you. Each and every one of these things lends subconscious credibility to ghosts and the supernatural that does not require the suspended disbelief that monsters, vampires, zombies and aliens require of us. At the same time offers much greater internal terror than any slasher, murderer or real world psychotic can muster. This coupled with the rumblings about the internet, and indeed I took to my torn and sagging theatre seat with a degree of hope. And come to think of it as I sat in darkness watching this flickering light projected on the screen before me, much as I sit here now with you at this fire I felt that same sense of familiarity of something I had seen and known before. Oh yes I know what it was, it was that same old first person video footage style of directing that has been inflicted on the horror genre since Blair Witch made its fortune.

If you haven't yet partaken of this cinematic entity, have no fear as I have no intention of releasing any spoilers in this post. Since the inception of Blogue Macabre I have long determined that this is not a home for "regular" movie reviews as there are plenty of others who do a far better job of that than I. But instead lets speak of this film's inclusion in the home video footage sub-genre. I think we can almost certainly label that a sub-genre of its own by now. And perhaps take account of what it is that that sub-genre offers.

Now I'm on record as saying that The Blair Witch Project is the most over rated piece of horror genre crap I've ever tried to choke down, so you can guess that despite my previously stated hopes there was a healthy degree of cynicism in my heart before the screening as well. I did however find that both Romero's foray with Diary of the Dead and Cloverfield both offered creative approaches to this film style and regardless of what you thought of the films themselves, they did prove that this linear low budget film school dropout sub-genre perhaps could have something to offer. Sadly Paranormal Activity I found offered no creative or inspiring use of the home video technique and does nothing do further the sub-genre's plight for respectability. On the upside however the vomit churning shaky cinematography we have come to know is absent from this film as for once the lead character had the sense to invest some dosh in a decent camera with image stabilization and a damned tripod. The director also chose to take a more reasonable approach and actually allowed the camera to be placed in more realistic and inconvenient places and actually be abandoned by the fictitious filmographer which added greatly to the "intended realism" that is the ultimate goal of the genre.
The greatest thing about the home video technique is that it does one thing amazingly well, it gives the writer the latitude to come up with a mere handful of decent scenes with no real cohesion and a complete lack of an ending of any sort, and combine them with an hour of pointless going nowhere "reality" and voila you have a full length motion picture. And again this movie does that well...so surprisingly well in fact that it actually keeps the viewer in the film. The screenplay writers deserve an academy award for this one in fact, as they managed to keep all the meaningless crap for the most part natural, topical, inject an enjoyable degree of self satire, and squeeze in a couple of highly entertaining allusions to boot.

So you're wondering, why in the name of all that was and all that is, did I subtitle Paranormal Activity as Secretariat's Ghost? The answer is quite simple, this film poses the question "When you beat a dead horse, is there some supernatural or otherworldly way that that said horse can actually get up and run?" Like the fun house ride at the local fair, while I found the film entirely predictable, and lacking originality in almost every way somehow I came out of it with a smile on my face.

Pte. G Macabre

Unead or Alive: a Zombie Western Comedy...no really

OK first up, I make no bones about it this blog isn't about movie reviews, and that's not going to change any time soon. I will however discus films in a casual manner without the pretense of actually reviewing it. If you can grasp the difference then we'll continue, if you can't I don't want to hear about it.

So here we are with a Zombie/Western that actually uses the word "zombedy" in it's promotional material. Man this is looking bleak from the get go. As a matter of fact I tossed it back in the two-for-five-dollar bin a couple of times. But alas the allure of some zombie busting carnage with lever action rifles was just too strong and I finally caved. Fortunately I was in the mood for a really bad movie and I had little preconception of this being anything but, so all risk of disappointment and an hour and a half of my life safely socked away in the bottom of the dirty laundry hamper, I settled in with a plate of nachos and my own trusty Winchester '94 at my side ( Don't worry the ammo however was still safely locked away elsewhere, after all if it truly was worse than even I expected, I couldn't risk pulling an Elvis on my 50").

To my pleasant surprise this film was actually conceived with some intriguing and enjoyable premises. The origin of the wild west zombie being attributed to a native Indian curse on the white man I actually really like, some great ideas on how zombie cannibalism would be treated and dealt with by an ignorant town and the application of typical "wild west justice", and even a great little "betcha didn't see that coming" ending. Sadly however the few gems there in never made it past the screenplay writer, the director or the lamentable acting. Even my thirst and enthusiasm for the much anticipated and oh so inevitable zombies vs. .30-30 romp was left largely unsatisfied, rather like having a glass of nice cold Coke on a hot day only to find it has gone flat in the fridge. As for the comedy, well I think that SNL hit it's low point through the late 90's, and actor Chris Kattan... well lets just say "A Night at the Roxbury, Corky Romano, House on Haunted Hill, ..."

There was enough to like in this film to be worth the $2.50 it cost to purchase, and maybe even enough to justify the 91 minutes lost on it (92 minutes might be pushing it). But that said you have to be sold on the premise of Zombie Western/ weak comedy because if you can't take that into a viewing your in for a world of hurt.

G. Macabre

LOTT D Top 50 Horrors: Thoughts for discussion

Greetings fellow travellers, there are unsellted winds all around tonight, so please be my guest at the fire and sit and talk a spell before continuing your journey. With the Top 50 Horrors of all time list still a part of the tempest that surrounds us, I thought I'd post a few more thought of my own on this topic and welcome readers (yes both of you) and those who have contributed to the list to offer some insight and discussion on some of the selections.

One thing I believe is that peoples various views on practically every subject imaginable are formed largely on their basic unique experiences. Even when one tries to be truly impartial these influences direct us. With this understanding I can completely support the LOTTD list although I would outwardly argue some selections on an academic level. The fact the list was formed openly with no pre-established criteria or set of titles is what makes this a good (and interesting) list. Unlike the HMV list which was a simply a ranking exercise of a preselected roster of titles.

That said I agree with John and his post on Theofantastique on the importance of criteria. I would personally love to hear what criteria was the basis for some of the more controversial selections, and the personal experiences that may have affected their inclusion.

As I am on record for bashing Blair Witch it seems a good choice for me to start the discussion with.

As I have stated that I believe experiences affect perception and personality, I have to admit that I spent much of my earlier years in the wilderness and continue to do so as much as possible to this day. As a result I find my own basement far more unsettling than being alone in the woods. That unquestionably makes the atmosphere which I would argue is the sole scary factor on the film moot in my eyes. However I can easily see how to many people that this is not the case, and being lost in the woods would be a rather terrifying experience. But atmosphere alone in my opinion cannot justify a top 15 ranking, so what other factors are in play here? Certainly some will cite the cinematic importance of the home video technique that has been emulated since and how it imparts a sense of "being there", but I don't buy that just because two recent, highly visible films, namely Cloverfield and Diary of the Dead chose to use this same technique it's that major of an innovation or coup to the genre. What it did do is provide an effective marketing ploy to the producers to make up a better story for promotion of the film than what we were fed on screen once they got our money. The characters were annoying, predictable and their actions and reactions were completely irrational from the onset of the film. None of what was shown on screen gave us any insight or depth to the characters, other than that they were potty mouthed buffoons running lost in the woods. The actual horror moments were few and far between, when they did occur they were entirely too breif and without good follow up. Just as I felt the movie was going to turn that corner, and yell boo (time and again), they turned the lights back on and started the whole damned process of setting us up all over again. Hell even that damned cat jumping out of the garbage can ploy would have felt like a big payoff. Nowhere was this more the case than with the climax of the film where we finally get to the house (which offered no reason to believe it was anything more than some abandoned dump, the like of which are plentiful and offer better atmosphere around here.) and when we dearly hope for something scary to happen, they give us some dude standing in a corner. WTF!!!!!!!

So there you have it, why I think Blair Witch is undeserving of the honour of being one of the top 50 Horror films of all time. Flame Away!

G. Macabre

The Girl Next Door

The discussion on excessiveness in Torture themed horror lead me to the film The Girl Next Door which was stated to be taking the next ground breaking step in crossing the line of inappropriateness.

I wasn't particularly interested in this movie, and all said I'm not a big fan of the "torture porn" that has been touted as horror recently, but I have to admit, the talk of "new ground" intrigued me enough to watch it. What is new ground, where can it go. I'm a pretty unemotional detached fellow (admittedly to the extent that it wigs some people out) So lets go for the dark. Well here's my review of the film:


I you are looking for SAW or Hostel, you are in the wrong place. Gore, torture and terror are not what this movie is about.
To be honest I'm not sure that the classification of horror is quite right for this film, all though by definition it was indeed horrifying, but really that was not the direction or intent of the movie, no more than Brokeback Mountain was a Western.

I think I would describe this film as the Wonder Years meets The People Under the Stairs. The point of view is not so much the physical victim, but the outsider trapped in the web who develops a close sympathetic bond with the victim and is forced to suffer along with her as he struggles with his own fears and uncertainties for her and how to best help her while he himself is trapped in a less literal way. Even the peripheral characters who are as much the bad guys are in themselves victims of the main antagonist's cruelty and disturbed methods of up-bringing.

As the audience we sit helpless for 89 minutes watching this unfold, unable to change what we are seeing before us. Through this we sympathize, and really do in our own minds become the lead character in the movie. From an initial and innocent morbid curiosity to the final soul scarring finale. Unquestionably, anyone leaving this movie with anything less than a dark somber feeling of distaste and the need for a hot shower is more disturbed of an individual than I and should likely be avoided at all costs.

It is a strong movie with good writing which tells it's story and gets it across with crystal clarity to the audience. Nowhere does it get distracted, or confusing. All the actors play their roles sincerely and credibly. Definitely worth the viewing if one is willing to pay the price.

Gary D. Macabre