100 things to do with a corpse

Use #12: Pinata Party


Well Folks Summer is upon us and nothing says party fun like pinatas! Here is an activity that is not only a creative way of using up one of those old corpses you have hanging around (oh, give me a break Uncle Forry would have used that pun), but can be fun for the whole neighborhood.

Naturally the entire corpse can be used, but I find it more festive to replace the limbs with colourful streamers. This not only maintains the festive atmosphere, but also makes it easier for little Johnny to get a good, successful whack on the pinata without being obstructed with a dessicated arm or leg. I recommend removing the lower torso from the pelvis down, maintaining the abdomen to fill with all of the treats and goodies. Some important notes to remember in order to make this a successful and quality pinata are that dried torsos alone are hard and leathery, and not prone to breaking apart in the manner in which you desire. The solution to this is by lightly burning or braising the corpse so as that the dermis is actually somewhat brittle. The alternative however is to use a more recent corps in a state of advanced decay, however this may have a slightly unpleasant aroma, particularly once broken which may have a lingering and generally unappealing effect on the candies contained within.

The Road: all the makings for a zombie movie, but the zombies

What a fantastic base for an amazing zombie film. It had it all, a mysterious holocaust, stunning post apocalyptic visuals, just oozing atmosphere. Some truly superb acting. Fear and despair, resulting in tragic suicide as the world as we know it comes crashing down. Roaming bands of thugs, that would kill you for what little you possess (and probably even eat you too). A story of personal strength and determination in face of the ultimate adversity.

So what one single thing could make a zombie movie with so much going for it fail and drop to the depths of being possibly the most painful two hours I have spent watching a movie in a long time? How about not a single bleedin' zombie in the whole damn movie. What happens when you take the zombies out of a zombie movie? The answer NOT A GOD DAMNED THING. Boredom and tedium. This is the movie The Road.

OK, so in all fairness The Road was never actually a zombie movie. The idea of adding zombies would likely have made the writer and the director spew pea soup from every orifice. But it would have definitely made the whole thing a lot more watchable. Even on it's own merits, the roaming bands of cannibals could have made the film a lot more tense and interesting, but it failed miserably there too. Although they were clearly looking to avoid any trappings of an action flick and keep the whole production to some higher plane of artistic film making, they just managed to make a painfully dull and unimaginative picture. Good god, it made the Blair Witch Project seem watchable. If the idea was to create such an atmosphere of dread and despair that the audience can so relate to the characters that the viewer wants to put the Smith and Wesson in their mouth just to put an end to it, well then it is a success. But this is the only scenario in which I would consider it so. And I don't say this with the air of one of the many movie critics looking to make him/herself seem worldly and emotionally complex. Telling you this film will bring you to revelations of previously unexperienced emotional and psychological distress (hey for the fun of it lets label it emo-porn), because believe me there are better soul scorchers if leaving a theater with a sick feeling is your goal(Jack Ketchum's The Girl Next Door for one). As good as the book may have been (I admit to not reading it), this is just one long, amazingly boring and plotless wrek.

I'm thinking with some creative editing from a number of existing zombie fests, this movie could really be something, but until the time comes that someone goes to that effort I would strongly recommend avoiding it like... well, the zombie plague.



G. Macabre